Satire Saturday | Premier League’s elite had a chance for greatness and they took it

BySiddhant Lazar, SportsCafe Editor

10/17/2020

*Click* It’s been a week, or so, since football was placed in a diamond-studded cocktail shaker and turned upside down by the Premier League’s elite before it was poured into the drain for being morally right. Some would call it an emotional rollercoaster, others call it Saturday. Both are correct.

But this is not an article on who is right or who is wrong. If it was, then Donald Trump would be the president of the USA, although that Richie Rich looking man would be our first target. No taller than five foot eleven at the most, thin and he looked like he hated crowds which would later turn out to be true as he paid off a few men to give them ample privacy. This was after all one of the few restaurants, bars, coliseums and clubs open to large gatherings and it was here that he wanted to conduct whatever he was about to do.

Let’s listen in, oh and names have been changed to protect absolutely nobody.

“But this has not been an ordinary year although in many ways it has given us exactly what we expected it to hand. We’ve seen Liverpool win a title, Leeds United end an exile, Manchester City spend more money, Manchester United fans claim that they’re back to the good ol days and you get my point. It’s been some of the same and a lot of the absurd but judging by your face, you want me to get to my point quickly, don’t you?”

The man stares back and says absolutely nothing but from one death ray stare from just under the waspy white hair later and the voice goes on.

“Effectively sire, to put it lightly, this could have handed them a chance. I mean imagine, you could be the saviour of the world’s favourite sport and then give the public what they want. What do they want? More football, stadiums jam packed with fans and naturally a time machine to erase 2020 completely and certain technology tells us that it’s around the corner. The proposal, Project Big Picture, was the chance of a life-time sire and they sq….”

Technical issues but here’s a basic explanation. (It was here that the voice, opposite Richie Rich, went onto explain how it was the chance of a life-time, a chance to make a “viral, life affirming movie much like what FIFA produced about their president/founder or whoever that man was”. He also made the point the this could have transformed some reputation or another in the eyes of someone and [audio’s back])

“This was it, if there was ever a moment to look back on and wonder what if, this was it. Because you see sire, for years rumours have been floating about the (tables clatter as people cough) six and their issues with the lack of money they earn. It was after all why they opted to split the broadcast income by league position instead of equally between all, right?”

Richie Rich continues to stare.

The voice goes on “Then came Project Big Picture and just like that poof went the illusions. It’s like everyone snapped out of the daze they were in and slowly woke up from the matrix. Only in this case, the Big Six is their target of affection and sire they’re coming for them. They’re gonna be chasing hard and fast to give them one nice soul squeezing hug. I mean come on sire, they so graciously decided to save the English Football Pyramid and all 90 clubs within them.

“Plus, and this is the bit that I love, they chose to hand the FA and fund women’s football which was apparently a must have part of the proposal. Maybe this was Manchester United and Liverpool’s way to get their women’s team back on their (tables clatter as people cough) perch. It’s truly something else sire and the best part is the rules bit. Let me tell you, the EFL clubs are loving it.

“Who wants to stress on rules, regulations, voting rights, how broadcast money is distributed, or making simple choices like who owns whom? It’s a brotherhood of football sire, and it was simply ingenious and they absolutely loved it. Plus, it allows the Big Six to introduce a much-needed facet in English football; B teams although won’t they be called C teams with the loan rule?

“That’s just my thing but sire, this is the right move. We need to preserve English football from clubs like Leicester City, Arsenal, Tottenham (tables clatter as people cough) from ever winning anything again. It’s a must make move to preserve the natural order of this world or else the entire English Football League could collapse sire. Imagine sire, the state of Twitter if Marcelo Bielsa ever wins anything and then treble the damage after G(tables clatter as people cough)ess says something about Paul Pogba.

“Besides that’s just more money going into their pockets and then how will they be able to play football on a weekly basis? It’s a CSR sir, you see we’re effectively taking the money from their pockets, lining ours and then going about our day with the weight of it weighing us down. If anything, they should be paying us for helping them lighten their load. I mean so what if now the entire footballing world knows just how greedy and power-hungry the Big six are?

“So what if they know that they lust after power, money and more power so much, that they’re willing to sacrifice the very league that raised them from mere little tiddlets to the giants they are today. The same league that effectively helped breed the players that fill many a team in many a league across the world and here in the great land itself sire. That’s mere semantics and nothing anyone cares about, I mean after who watches Bolton Wanderers in Kuala Lumpur? Who cares about Charlton Athletic in Thailand? Who has even heard of Bury outside England, because after all that’s where the real moola lies.”

Richie Rich has started to smile. It seems the mention of money excites him.

“And as for the critics? Lady Karren Brady. Really? The same woman who “didn’t act” in favour of her club when she wrote a Pulitzer prize-winning column about the 2019/20 Premier League season being made null and void and nobody cares about the journalists and the rest. Fans? Who cares about them, we’re doing just fine! And as for the complaints about heavy spending? Manchester City have made only seven permanent moves this season and 28 since 2017. Nottingham Forest, a Championship club, have made 43 permanent and 18 loan signings since June of 2017!!

“Who is keeping them in check? Nobody and the world should know it, the world needs to know sire just how financially dependent they are on the Premier League. Imagine, all it would take to save them is €250 million and a reasonable cut of the meagre £8.6 billion in TV revenue the top tier will earn for the 2019-22 league cycle. We’re already giving them a massive 6.8% chunk of the revenue, how much more do they want? I mean sire, that’s more than enough to run a few companies as you very well know.”

Richie Rich continues to smile and is now nodding.

“And never mind that the plan has been dumped down the drain sire, because this will be back. You know it, I know it, they know and everyone knows it because they will be back and back with a bang. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow or even the day after but mark my words, they will be back and they’ll be back richer. You haven’t forgotten, have you? The fact that the Champions League, and Europa League, have expansion plans in mind from 2024? That will make them even richer and then watch.

“Watch was they explode boss and explode although the hope is that the Big Six come to their senses and do the right thing. The fans sire, they want them to not earn money or focus on themselves for once but instead do what is right for the greater good. Whose sire? Theirs sire, the EFL, the English Football League, the grassroots game, the futsal game, the League One, the League Two and the Championship. They ask that the elite do it for the sake of football, give the people’s game a chance to survive. Idiots. Sire? Everything alright??”

Whoops, it seems they’ve spotted me and here come two scary looking men….

*Voice recording over*