Satire Saturday | Ever consistent RCB 'NAIL' themselves in IPL auctions yet again

Please don't try this at home or anywhere else. Can have serious consequences. You can move on from a girl but not from forces of nature and gifts to humankind like Virat Kohli and AB de Villiers and in turn, RCB, if you are a fan of both. No wonder being an RCB fan is a recurring spell of heartbreak which one experiences year after year. No wonder even break-ups feel better than being an RCBian. 

First things first, after releasing Chris Morris and Isuru Udana, both known for their death bowling, there was a need for a quality overseas pacer who can do well at the death. But RCB didn't go for death bowlers since nothing like that exists in their dictionary. After all, who can forget how they tried to make a death bowler out of Corey Anderson. RCB aren’t an IPL side, but a laboratory for failed experiments. They shelled out a whopping 15 crores for an unproven Kyle Jamieson and backed out of the race for a far better Jhye Richardson too early. What a masterstroke. Slow claps. 

His overall economy rate of 12.57 after the first two T20Is against Australia in the ongoing series, however, proves that he is a perfect RCB material as higher the economy the more chances of a player getting into the mix of things for the Bangalore-based franchise. Perfectly, in accordance to the rule #39 from the book "RCB - 100 ways to disaster in the IPL".

Not only unproven players but RCB have a thing for proven failures too. Case in point: Glenn Maxwell and Daniel Christian. In the last five IPL seasons, the Big Show has proved to be a mega failure, as only once has he even crossed the 200-run-mark. But RCB went all-out for him. Maybe, it was Virat Kohli's helping hand to his good friend Maxwell. At least, he ensured that Maxwell scored big in something IPL related. But the RCB jinx seems to be impacting him in a big way, as earlier, he was, at least scoring in non-related IPL T20s but now has got scores of 1 and 3 in the ongoing series against New Zealand too. Would be interesting to see which force emerges as the greater one, the great RCB jinx on Maxwell or Maxwell IPL's jinx when he takes the field for the Red Army. 

Similarly, RCB also got Mohammed Azharuddeen and Sachin Baby. Azharuddeen, barring that incredible century against Mumbai, didn’t do too well either in the SMAT 2020/21 or the ongoing Vijay Hazare trophy thus far, again, barring one cameo. Also Sachin Baby has a poor IPL record. But that's certainly not the real reason behind their selection. 

Sachin-Azhar. Connect the dots. This is done for providing a full retro 90s feel to the fans and a lot of defeats. Now you know why RCB are so famous despite their listless shows over the years. They secretly serve nostalgia merchants as well even if these players just have these names and are no way near the quality or pedigree required for the cash-rich league. 

Despite the additions in the RCB unit, the batting still looks as Kohli-ABD centric as ever. The bowling looks promising but with gaping holes. Over the years, sides pick players according to the needs of the team and utilize their strengths. RCB pick big names first, and then ask them to do things which aren't even their strengths because RCB is RCB, they sign players first and then think later. There needs to be laughing stocks too in a tourney right? So, let's give it to them for that, at least. 

Or it's hard to fathom how can they release a gun all-rounder like Chris Morris after how well he did? Or release as many players as they did this year despite a very decent side and performance last season. Even overall in the IPL History, not many teams would release gun players like KL Rahul, Quinton de Kock or Shimron Hetmyer. Misusing a certain Shane Watson in lower-middle-order when he had tasted immense success as an opener and given the task to bowl at the death. But, all these are classic RCB masterstrokes, which has immensely contributed to them winning a grand total of zero IPL titles.